pet name

Me: Call me Sweet Potato, I think I’ll like it

Chris: Ok Sweet Potato

Me: *crazy animal noise of happiness*

Being Average

So most of my teenage years till now age 25 going on 26 I have been very adamant that I am average and I will have an average job doing nothing super remarkable but nothing below average either.

As I think about this more and more, its bullshit. My mind-set is setting me up for a fucking boring job keeping in mind that according to most people you should love what you do, which is hard to argue with.

Ok so what are the things I am above-average a:

I am really good at helping people who have negativity problems. I am also really good at not letting people hide themselves away in order to love their misery even more. I am also really good at not keeping people around me that refuse to help themselves even a little.

I am really good at caring about small details mostly because I have detail-loving people in my life and they have taught me well.

I am fucking good at sharing. I have only had a room to myself for a total of one year. This means for 24 years I shared a bedroom with a sister.

I am also generous and I like going out of my way for people, cause making people smile is really nice.

So why do these things fail to translate into a job I will someday like to do?

I have a university degree in Microbiology. And I have had a person I just met tell me that they were impressed for that alone and acknowledged how awful it must be to not have a job in my field. The problem is I graduated with significantly below-average grades, I refuse to apply for a Masters like the majority of my peers (i also don’t qualify gpa-wise) and therefore I am academically below-average compared to my peers but above-average to the general population i guess. This is where my self-doubt stems from…being graded, evaluated, quantified, graphed and performance-evaluated. It is also the reason that I need to quit my bank call-center job because if I get one more notice that I am not taking enough calls in an hour I will something something.

That being said most jobs don’t have grades…however the one I am aiming for (hospital lab tech for blood and such) probably does. How accurate am I? How fast do I test the samples? Holy shit why am I doing another 3 years of school to achieve certification in this???? Why am I setting myself for utter mediocrity when I can go out there and help people and engage and improve things that need improving….. why am I so determined to find a spot to be average in the science world where it seems even the above-average have trouble.

Mostly because what are my fucking choices? Its also in part because people will be impressed and because i genuinely like biology and think it is fun. But I don’t love it. I don’t talk about it non-stop or read science articles. Fuck I even forgot how many chambers a human heart has (its 4). But ask me about a gay man’s right to give blood, or a woman’s right to be a slut and I will talk your fucking ear off…. this has to count for something. But god dammit I’m only average at being an academic as well…according to the grades I suppose. But yeah the people that write the books I like reading about the topic of sexuality and its relationship to science and the medical world (and slutitydom) are ALL Ph.d’s and post-docs. And if there is anything for sure I know is that I am a better worker than I am a student, studying forever is not my path.

So maybe… I can do my monotonous day job of testing the glucose levels in your urine and when I come home read my books about the complicated nature of porn in today’s world of over-consumption and maybe someday my worlds will collide and I will have a path that leads me who the hell knows where. But I just have to remember to not just do one thing, i’m not making a choice to be mediocre. I’m just trying to get a job in my field, which will hopefully lead me to have more choices where I can one day help people or be in charge of a team. And maybe the other things i’m passionate about will have to find their outlet within a community or something like that….

All I know is that I have to keep moving forward and always twirling twirling towards victory!

My Life’s Writer’s Block

So I’ve discovered that my feet are cemented into where I am now.

And I’m either too afraid of failure,

                                   too afraid of success,

                                                    or too afraid of doing anything hard,

                                                                                              that I am stagnating in life.

I’ve never thought of myself as one of those people…too chicken shit or lazy to get their heads out of the sand.

But it seems taking things “one day at a time” isn’t working for me until I figure out what I want in the next few years and how to get it.

Everyone is on my side except me. Even people I just met think I’ve achieved something good and that I need to get out of where I am now because I deserve better.

Its like my life is having writer’s block. I know the titles of the chapters but the pages are blank.

Guess I better get writing….

Reasons

Reasons I haven’t been on Tumblr for wayyyy to fucking long (1+ year):

  • I finished McGill (therefore no more goofing off in class)
  • I got a job (therefore no more unemployed amazing days off goofing off)
  • I got a boyfriend (therefore less time doing absolutely nothing)

Reasons I want to return:

  • Tumblr is the shit
  • Its fucking fun 

So I am going to now make time for tumbr, will I become re-addicted, only one way to find out. REBOOT.

My little sis jacked my awesome french tumblr name gimmick, damn her

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

Of Montreal

"Tim I Wish You Were Born A Girl (8)"

Tim I Wish You Were Born A Girl - Of Montreal

Hung out with the new bf for the past 3 days and he gave me his cold and this was all I had in my head. How can giving someone a cold be this romantic?

And we could lay around in bed, stay there all day,
Or at least until the afternoon
And I could make you spaghetti with tomato sauce
With just a touch of oregano and a parsley stem

And then when you got sick,
I could take the day off work.
I could’ve made you chicken soup,
And we could watch soap operas
- oh, those TV dramas!
I could catch your cold
and you could take care of me.

Gina’s Rainbow of the day

Oh Tumblr I miss you….but it’s just not the same

> I think what i miss most since finishing university is Tumbling during class, it was just the perfect mix of distraction, multitasking, being turned on, and of course knowing that people were watching you.

It’s 4:43 am and my mind is racing

I figure the only way to make it stop it is to rationalize and write what I am thinking.

Every guy I like is different. I need to remember that. The way things go down will be different.

But I am terrified.

Most girls are terrified of having their heart broken. I’m terrified of hurting another man I respect and care for, seeing a guy break down because I don’t feel the same way, because I don’t love them. 

And people are judging me for it. And it must be this fact that is making me this scared. That people think I’m a bad person for not loving someone back.

My instincts are completely out of whack right now. And that is making me scared too.

Love is a risk. Engaging with someone new is a risk. Moving forward is a risk.

But if I get this right….I so want to get this right…..

I just have to move slow. Glacial pace. Not overthink. And just let it happen.

Deep breath.

And back to sleep.

Things I Liked About You - Part 2

I was wearing the lowest cut v-neck I had, which happened to be bright coral. I had white nail polish on that glowed under the black lights. You never looked down my shirt, not once, no easy feat since that shirt has turned gay men on.

We were in a swimming pool turned concert venue. Watching a bunch of Concordia bands.

It was the first date since we had first kissed and I spent the entire night just trying to win your affections, but nothing. I had more chemistry with your random friend I had just met.

Then as the bands played on, we were standing side-by-side in the deep end of the pool. I let it go and was just content to people-watch.

You had just finished your nth beer, the one that gives you courage, the sexy kind.

Your hand was half in your pocket and then slowly and deliberately you brushed your thumb against my leg.

That moment was electric in every sense of the word. I still feel what I felt then. It was everything I wanted and needed that night.

After that you were mine.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY